year after year what we do is undone

Well I'm a little bit miserable right now. Actually quite miserable. I haven't felt this sad in a very long time. I try so hard to be so hard and strong, but I don't know if I can handle this. I don't want to handle this again. I'm just hurting a lot. And it makes me feel stupid and selfish b/c I know my problems are so worthless. But I just feel like there's this weight upon me, pushing me down and I can't exhale.

It doesn't help that I'm in 2 classes June term that move at the speed of light. Its even harder b/c I don't give a crap a/b the subjects.

I am glad I was able to get some work this summer... more than I had in the spring surprisingly, so at least I'm making money. I am also glad I got the last 1 bedroom apartment in the same complex and will be moving mid-August. I can't wait to live alone again! I mean I've had good roommates, but its just so nice to have a place to yourself.

I wish I could have just stayed in LONDON. I loved it so much; I wasn't disappointed or let down at all! I could definitely live there. I probably couldn't drive there :-/ but I could live! Sigh... I have pictures from my trip, but not on this computer yet for some reason.

In July I'm planning to volunteer with Shelby County Humane Society, which is something I've wanted to do for a while now but haven't had time b/c of classes. When my June classes are done I am going to help the animals!

Well tonight I had a nice time with hly and kk. We went to Sekisui and it was pretty good. Then Eddie came and we all watched Count of Monte Cristo. James Caviezel mmmmmmmhhhhello :)


Thats all. Bisous!

i wish i was a cat.

This picture looks how I feel. I would've liked to curl up and sleep ALL DAY today... and don't get me wrong, I did a little bit of that today since my brass class got canceled. But there's never enough time for being cat-like.

I just feel BLAH today!! And every little thing is making me feel worse! I was so happy to see that class was canceled, but I was still overwhelmed with schoolwork today! I feel so behind, and even tho I know it'll all be fine, still... UGH I'm just ready to be done. I have two papers to write in my near future and a 'youtube' presentation for this Thursday, the latter of which I don't even know what to present about yet! Plus in my online class I have to answer all these questions from these chapters in a book that I don't even own yet b/c I am poor!! Hopefully its traveling on its way here as I write since I ordered it last week. Then I missed our opera DVD-watching session b/c I thought it was Thursday only, not Tuesday AND Thursday... but I feel better a/b it b/c Dr. Kris is super nice. At least tomorrow I will have a lot of time to work on all this STUFF, and hopefully I'll feel better on the inside.

And I still don't know why, but every time I see another stupid status update or newsfeed or whatever the hell a/b one more person GETTING MARRIED or GETTING ENGAGED it just makes me SICK!!! UGH yanno I just don't want to hear a/b it b/c for some strange reason it upsets me. Whateverrrr.

So I've been watching reruns of Top Model off and on again all day and it just makes me want to have a career as a singer even more than I already do. Despite the fact that modeling, esp modeling on this tv show, is nothing like being a singer... just watching ppl pursue their dreams makes me want to pursue mine. I'm finishing this degree b/c we all seem to think that this concept of having a 'backup plan' is a smart move, but ugh my heart is NOT in all this reading a/b music ed advocacy and new teaching methods and blah blah. Maybe one day, idk.

Anyway I guess that's all... I can't really not smile when I see a picture like this...


BYE.

Valentine's Day musings...

Actually I'm not really here to must about Valentine's Day, although it is coming upon us this Saturday. I'm mostly here b/c I can't fall asleep!!! I have lain there in the bed for an hour or so just thinking thinking thinking.

Last week in my voice lesson, I was warming up with Dr. Mathes when she just stops and asks me, "Why are you doing music ed?" And for some reason, her asking that just struck a nerve and I started to cry. She went on to say that "with your voice" I should be performing. And while its a very nice compliment, it just hurt because of course I would much rather be performing. I never wanted to be a teacher, and I still definitely don't have any dreams of working in a school teaching music. I love music, obviously, & I really do love to help kids perhaps find an appreciation for it and even possibly help them learn and grow as a musician themselves. But what I love WAY more than that is singing and being on stage. And I know I've set it aside and tried not to think about it because my logical, realistic self is telling me to get the teaching degree so I'll be able to make some kind of money. Its just frustrating to not really know what to do. So these are things I think about.

Then Saturday night I get scolded b/c I didn't feel good and decided not to come out and play. Which made me feel worse b/c I actually don't like to let people down even when I don't feel truly wanted in the first place. My mom asked me if real friends would make me feel bad for not wanting to come out; the answer is no, but then I get defensive b/c I know my friends are good. So I think about these things.

Then today I get this lovely invitation via fb for "X, Y, & Z Sing Songs of Love" (or something to that effect) to celebrate their upcoming nuptials and to raise $$ for their honeymoon. It would be just CORNY if it was any regular person. But this corny affianced individual is an ex-boyfriend of mine. Soooo, corny + YUK! Deep down, I am actually very happy for him & I hope their union works out, but no I most certainly do not want to attend their happy singsong fundraiser! VOMMMMMMMM!!!!! As two friends said, I'm sure he sent the invite to all his fb 'friends' but still. Come on!! And it was just all up there on my screen reminding me that I am no where near about to get married. And its weird that that fact would even bother me b/c I'm not even ready to get married! Its just the fact that I'm not... I don't know. It was just... not something I cared to see or think about.

I am excited about Magic Flute although all teachers keep telling me I am still too nice! Its hard to be so completely different than myself...& I don't even consider myself particularly nice. But it will be fine, & I am practicing a lot.

Speaking of practicing, thankfully today was my last day playing the damn trumpet. I SUCKED AT TRUMPET! And I practiced soooo much this weekend & this morning. NO MORE!!!

I am singing a song in Russian by Rachmaninoff this semester. I chose it for several reasons, mostly b/c its gorgeous & 2nd since I am dating Vlad, who is Russian, I thought it would especially neat to learn a song in that language.

Speaking of my Russian, I am very excited for V-day this weekend. After pretty much boycotting the holiday for any year I didn't have a boyfriend, its nice to have a reason to 'celebrate' it. We're going to Bonefish Grill for dinner, & I am pretty pumped b/c its DUHLISHUS.

Well I guess I'll try to sleep again now. I hope it works!!! Night.

Merry Halloween/Last Day of October

October has gone by FAST! I have not even noticed it SWOOSHING on by! And its even one of my favorite months! I like when the weather starts to change; I mean, I prefer warm weather, but after a while I am ready to wear long sleeves and scarves and jackets! And for some reason October/early Fall always gives me a good feeling... idk. But I digress. Happy Halloween. Check out those RAR pumpkins. Wow.

Lets see... since last time I wrote, I took my woodwinds midterm & I got a B+. I am happy with that! I'm also now starting to "play" the flute... as of right now, I'm not getting any sounds out :( which is really frustrating. I'm starting to think I should have picked a different instrument! But hopefully I'll figure it out when I'm practicing this weekend. I'm also now playing viola instead of violin in strings class, which I actually like a lot better. I love the way it sounds.

Last Friday I sang one of the Queen of the Night arias during performance class in front of EVERYONE. My heart was beating SO FAST; I was rawther nervous. But it was fine. I was just glad when it was over b/c my flu shot was making me feel pretty icky.

Over the weekend, Vlad came to B'ham on Saturday & we went to the Alabama Theatre to see the silent film of Phantom of the Opera with the awesome organ playing in the background. I'd seen it before in like 7th grade when we studied the book for lit class, but it wasn't much like I remembered it. I was afraid Vlad might not like it, since its nothing at all like a "horror" movie you would see these days, so you have to realize its going to be different. But we both really enjoyed it and had fun! They made it really theatrical at the beginning and end with these guys in scary masks carrying candles & rolling out a coffin that the organist steps out of. It was pretty cool. Check it out:


Here we are, obviously, VERY scared:

In other news, on Monday for choral methods I had to go rehearse 20 minutes with a school choir AND video record it, so I went with Whitney to her husband's choir at Hewitt-Trussville High School. He wasn't there that day, so W and I ran the rehearsal and it was quite a new experience. I left feeling like it was kind of fun, but also knowing there was a lot I should have done differently plus just a lot more I could have done. But it was my first time, and thankfully it wasn't too scary.

In top model news, cya Sheena. I was hoping it would be Elina, but oh well. I hope Sam or Annaleigh win. Yo!

Anyway, today is Halloween and I have zero plans! No costume, nothing! And I don't even feel sad a/b it! Does this mean I am getting old??! Yikes! Well I guess thats all. Have a fun Halloween!